Etiquette School of Ohio

Re-gifting

We give gifts because we value our relationships with family, friends, co-workers and acquaintances who help us throughout the year. A gift shows our appreciation and/or love and brings joy and pleasure to the recipient. The act of giving a gift usually makes us feel good.

If the purpose of giving gifts is to make others feel good, why would we want to risk hurting someone by re-gifting?

When we re-gift, we risk crushing the feelings of the original giver by giving away a gift they took time selecting and risk making the new recipient feel less appreciated and not worthy of our time to shop for them. In the end, the person who re-gifted is also unhappy because they hurt people who they must care for if they considered gifting them in the first place.

I cannot find any steadfast etiquette rule on re-gifting. Some etiquette experts see it as a convenient form of recycling and others adamantly disagree. This etiquette expert does not feel the risk of re-gifting is worth the potential negative consequences of hurting someone’s feelings and advises against it.

This etiquette expert also did not land on this planet yesterday and realizes re-gifting is not a new phenomenon. People have been re-gifting for years. Until recently, no one dared to admit they re-gifted and kept it hush, hush. The topic became more public in the past decade after a Seinfeld episode aired about a white elephant gift exchange.

If you decide to ignore my expert advise on re-gifting, at least follow these guidelines to avoid getting busted:

1. Don’t re-gift used items. The gift must be new, in its original packaging, and not from a company that has gone out of business. For example, you should no longer gift items from Marshall Field’s. The company has been sold for years. Giving such a gift - will get you busted!

2. Wrap the gift in new gift wrap with a new gift card. Check to make sure the original gift card is not tucked in the gift. If the new recipient finds it - you’re busted!

3. Don’t re-gift if you don’t remember who originally gave you the gift. You don’t want to risk the embarrassment of giving it back to the same person. Make sure the new recipient does not know the original giver. If they run in the same social circles - you’re busted!

4. Make sure the new recipient will enjoy and use the gift. If not, you’re busted for unloading your unwanted items on them.

5. Don’t re-gift items the original giver will notice are gone. For example, if you re-gifted the toaster Aunt Betty gave you and she wants to make toast while visiting - you’re busted!

6. Don’t re-gift personal, customized, hand-made, or one-of-a-kind items. If there’s only one like it and the original giver sees it out there - you’re busted!

8. Never tell the new recipient you received the gift and didn’t want it. Obviously - you’re busted!

9. I do bend a little when re-gifting consumable items such as wine, candles, and bath products. Since these items are hopefully not around your house for years to come, there’s less chance of getting busted. Do not re-gift rare vintage or limited label wines. If future recipients continue to re-gift these items until they find an appropriate home, they may end up in the original giver’s hands and you run the risk of being busted.

What happens if you do get busted?

If the giver or recipient know their gift was re-gifted, the proper etiquette for them is not to say anything about it. If you are caught in the act, offer a sincere apology. Tell them how much you appreciated their thoughtfulness in giving the gift and you did not want to hurt their feelings by letting them know you did not have use for it. Rather than let the gift go unused, you felt you should give the gift to someone who could use it.

Hopefully, the relationship is solid enough to withstand such a blunder and they will forgive and forget.

Perhaps conflicting social issues, such as re-gifting, are how the rules of etiquette evolve and are made. Until the question of re-gifting is clarified, be careful not to hurt anyone’s feelings in the process.

Receiving Unwanted Gifts

It’s the time of year for exchanging gifts.  Hopefully, you’ll receive gifts you can use and enjoy.

Unfortunately, we’ve all received the occasional gift that makes us wonder, “What were they thinking?

Here are a few helpful tips to handle the situation gracefully:

1. Do not lie and say you love the gift or ask how they knew you’ve always wanted a chartreuse sweater with multi colored polka dots.

2.  Do thank the giver for their thoughtfulness in remembering you on this occasion. Keep the focus on your appreciation of receiving the gift rather than the gift itself.  Your positive attitude is a gift in return.

3.  When writing a thank you note, be appreciative of the thoughtfulness of the giver rather than writing about the actual gift.

Chewing Gum in School

It has been brought to my attention a school district is considering to make a ruling on whether or not chewing gun is allowed in school.

As I mentioned in an earlier posting regarding chewing gum, there is nothing inherently wrong with chewing gum. However, those chewing gum need to be considerate of those around them. Here are a few guidelines to follow when chewing gum. Students, if you want to be allowed to chew gum in school, you should be willing to be responsible enough to follow these guidelines.

1. Chew with your mouth closed.

2. Do not make your chewing audible. No popping, cracking, or snapping.

3. Do not blow bubbles in public.

4. Do not mimic a cow chewing its cud. Keep your chewing undetectable.

5. Dispose of your gum properly. It should be wrapped and thrown in a trash receptacle.

6. People chew gum for several reasons. The most common are to freshen breath, alleviate stress, and to break a smoking or eating habit. Do you know why you chew gum? Is it for a good reason or just an annoying habit?

Cell Phones Ringing at Inappropriate Times

I have previously posted on the topic of cell phone use during meals, meetings, performances, checkout lines, and funerals.  The basic rule is to turn the phone off or to a silence mode when attending any of these events.

However, what should you do if you forget to turn the phone off or you find yourself in conversation with someone when the phone begins to ring?

Turn the phone off immediately. Do not take time to look at the caller ID.  When you can, check your voice mail and return the call.  That’s what voice mail is for.

I can’t tell you how many times I have been at a professional luncheon when a cell phone rings and the owner allows it to continue ringing.  Do you really think we don’t know who that phone belongs to?

Hosting a Dinner When the Electricity Goes Out

I was attending a large corporate holiday party in Chicago and had to negotiate my way through an ice and snow storm to get to the event. A challenge most Chicagoans are use to. Just as the guests began to arrive, the electricity went out at the banquet center due to heavy ice accumulation.

My first thought was the party would have to be canceled, so I began mentally preparing myself for a treacherous drive back to the hotel. None of the guests moved because the facility was so dark we couldn’t see a thing.

Much to our surprise, staff members began emerging from the kitchen with lit candles. Moments later, the entire center glowed in candlelight. It was one of the most beautiful impromptu decorating jobs I had ever seen.

The cocktail hour was extended, salads were served, and the kitchen staff utilized this extra time to prepare meals for over 250 guests. Bravo!

Should the electricity go out at your dinner party, go with the flow and follow the example of the banquet center. Light candles throughout the house, prepare and serve what you can, and enjoy the glow of candlelight.

I’m sure the evening will be enjoyed by all. It will probably be an unforgettable and most talked about event because of your ability to handle it with poise and confidence.

Duplicate Attire at a Social Event

Ladies are more vulnerable than men to arrive at a social event to find another person wearing the same attire they have on. It is very frustrating because most women shop high and low to find the perfect outfit to look and feel like a million bucks in.

Rather than letting the duplication ruin your evening, simply approach the individual and compliment them on their good taste in clothing. This will put them, you, and the other guests at ease so you can enjoy the evening.

I’m sure you will also be admired for your grace and poise in handling the situation.

If you have any interesting stories about such a situation, please feel free to share them on my site.

Toasting for Non-Drinkers

Toasting is very common at holiday celebrations, weddings, and social office gatherings.

To participate in a toast, you do not have to drink alcohol.

What matters is having a beverage glass to raise and sip from.  No one will notice what type of beverage you are drinking.

Dining Etiquette - Demitasse Cup and Saucer

The word demitasse comes from the French language and means half cup. The actual size of a demitasse cup is half the size of a regular coffee cup. This small cup is used to serve strong specialty coffees such as espresso.

The demitasse cup is not included in the place setting of a meal and should be served after the meal on a small saucer.

Chewing Gum Etiquette

There is nothing wrong with chewing gum if it is done quietly and discreetly. However, many people believe chewing gum is socially inappropriate. They most likely formed this opinion because so many people chew their gum with all the annoying special effects of popping, snapping, and bubble blowing.

We should be tolerant of others chewing gum because it may have replaced a smoking habit which is saving their lives. On the other hand, gum chewers should be considerate of those around them.

Try to limit your gum chewing to the times when you are alone in your office or cubicle. Avoid chewing gum in a meeting or when talking on the phone. Never chew gum in the theater. Even though you may be chewing it quietly, the motion of your jaw may be distracting in your neighbor’s peripheral vision.

Finally, when you dispose of your gum, wrap it in paper and throw it in a trash container. It does not belong on the sidewalk or under a chair.

Office Holiday Party Etiquette

In case you missed my segment about office party etiquette on Fox 45 this morning, here is a re-cap of holiday party do’s and don’ts.

1. Don’t pass up the invitation. Not everyone is comfortable attending parties, but your employer arranged this party to reward you for your hard work. Skipping it would be noticed and inconsiderate. Consider the party an extension of your business day.

2. Do conduct yourself professionally. Someone is always watching. Conducting yourself in a professional manner could help you get your next promotion.

3. Do dress professionally. Leave the tight, skimpy, and flashy clothing for the nightclubs. If you have to question yourself about your choice of dress, you probably shouldn’t wear it.

4. Don’t talk about business. This is a time to relax and build relationships with your co-workers. Discussing too much business might get you labeled as a bore.

5. Don’t flirt and keep your hands to yourself.

6. Don’t monopolize conversations talking about yourself. The best way to handle socializing at a party is to ask people about themselves.

7. Do avoid inappropriate humor. What you consider funny may be offensive to others. Leave the whoopee cushion and funny hats at home.

8. No office gossip. It is sure to get back to the office by Monday morning.

9. Avoid loud and giddy behavior. You don’t want to be remembered as the life of the party.

10. Do keep your right hand free and dry for shaking hands.

11. Do introduce your spouse or guest and include them in the conversation.

12. Don’t forget to network. This is the perfect opportunity to meet upper level executives you may not interact with on a daily basis.

13. Do thank the person/people responsible for planning the party. They put a great deal of time and effort into the party and would welcome your words of appreciation. Better yet, send a handwritten thank you note.

14. Don’t drink and drive. Call a cab for yourself or others if you think there has been too much alcohol consumed.